Such Cruel Irony
by Alastar
Summary: Dudley has a GIRLFRIEND? But who would want to date him? The girl would have to be OUT OF HER MIND!!! Well, the Dursleys don't seem to like her very much, and Harry's laughing his head off...


YAY!!!!!!!!!! I finally read OotP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Okay, was it just me, or did the whole Umbridge thing give off a whole Hitlerish vibe? NO! Not Hitler. More like...1984. Or no! Some totalarian government. Whatever it was, it was awful!!!!!!!!!  
  
Okay, I'm loving this story. I had this idea and was like OH! How cute. its gonna be fun to write.  
  
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns Harry Potter. She wrote it. I am a fanfic writer, and I am tired of trying to think up witty, cliched jokes for the disclaimer. (See, even saying you're tired of thinking up disclaimer jokes is cliched!)  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Harry was NOT in a good mood.  
  
It was a stiflingly hot day at Number Four Privet Drive. Harry still had another month to go before he went back to school, and he hadn't heard from Ron or Hermione in two weeks.  
  
He was getting a little agitated at the fact that his friends hadn't sent him so much as a short owl saying hi. He thought they be bombarding him with letters: "Don't feel like Sirius's death is your fault Harry." or "Don't do anything rash, Harry," or "Oy! Harry! Come to the Burrow!"   
  
But NO.  
  
Harry had decided to go and call Hermione. He got up and went into the hallway. But Dudley was using the phone.  
  
"Yes, I'll meet you at that...place. What was it called? Oh, yeah...I'll have to get my cousin to-"  
  
"Ahem."  
  
Dudley jerked his head around. "I gotta go..." he mumbled into the phone, and hung up. "What do you want?"  
  
"The question is..." Harry said, leaning against the wall. "What do YOU want?"  
  
Dudley glared at him. "What do you mean?"  
  
"I have to get my cousin to..." Harry mimicked, "What is it?"  
  
Dudley stared at him defiantly for a second, then looked at the ceiling. "See, theres this girl..."  
  
Harry held up his hand. "Nope. Eh-eh. Not gonna do it. Even IF Love Potions weren't illegal, I still wouldn't do it even if you paid me..."  
  
"She already LIKES me Harry! You just got to help me get to the place where I'll meet her!"  
  
"A girl likes you?" Harry asked, amused, "She must be out of her mind!"  
  
"Shut up!" Dudley said, "She's...perfect. You just gotta tell me how to get to this...Florean Fortesque place. Luna says its an ice cream parlor."  
  
Harry froze. "Wh-what? Florean...but that's a WIZARD place! You're...you're dating a WITCH?!"  
  
Dudley slapped his hand over Harry's mouth. "Quiet! Do you want my mum and dad to hear?!"  
  
Harry smirked. "Actually...yes. That would be most entertaining.? Suddenly his smirk faded away. ?Did you say LUNA? As in...Lovegood? Luna Lovegood??  
  
Dudley nodded, and Harry cracked up laughing.  
  
?I just said she?d have to be out of her mind to go out with you and...and...well, Dud, you got to admit Luna?s not all there...some people call her Loony Lovegood at school...?  
  
Dudley punched him.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
  
  
?"I'm sorry Dudley," Harry mumbled as they entered The Leaky Cauldron, ?"I think very highly of Luna Lovegood, really. She helped us a lot at the end of the last school year, and she?s very...unique."? He tapped the correct brick with his wand, and they were in Diagon Alley.  
  
Dudley looked around in awe at all the amazing things. Harry remembered how he felt the first time he came to Diagon Alley. He was about to say something when they approached the ice cream parlor.   
  
"LUNA!"  
  
Dudley spotted the wide-eyed witch sitting at a table. He picked her up, spun her around, and pressed his lips on hers. Harry had a strong urge to vomit.  
  
Luna spotted Harry and waved. He forced himself to walk over.  
  
Luna was looking even odder than usual, probably because she wasn't wearing her robes anymore. She wore a long, gray skirt and a pale, faded blue shirt that kind of draped over her like a sheet. She was wearing the bottlecap necklace again, and unnaturally large earrings shaped like ravens. Her wand was tucked behind her ear, and her long, dirty blonde hair still fell to her waist.  
  
The latest edition of The Quibbler sat on the table, but it was long forgotten.   
  
"So um..." Harry said after ordering a sundae, "Where did you guys...meet?"  
  
"I was throwing rocks at a car, and Luna told me to stop..." Dudley smiled at Luna, kissed her, and started in a on his ice cream. Luna was already licking a cone. She picked up The Quibbler again.  
  
"Whatcha reading?" Harry asked, wishing to be anywhere but here with his horrid cousin and Loony Lovegood. He peaked over her shoulder.  
  
Harry Potter Actually You-Know-Who's Long Lost Son. Exclusive Story!  
  
"Oh, for God's sakes!"   
  
Harry stood up and walked away.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Ickle Duddykins is having his little girlfriend over for dinner tonight, Vernon!"  
  
Harry looked up. Were his ears decieving him, or had Dudley ACTUALLY invited Luna over to the HOUSE?  
  
"Girlfriend?" Vernon said, grinning. He ruffled his son's blodne tufts. "Well done, boy?"  
  
Dudley gave him a weak smile, and looked over at Harry, who snickered.  
  
Vernon followed his gaze, and frowned. "You're going to stay in your room, here me, boy?"  
  
"Oh, he can come down," Dudley said quickly.   
  
Vernon stared at him, and Petunia threw her arms around him. "Awwwwwwwww! My little popkin is so kind and generous!!!!!!!!"  
  
A few hours later, Vernon Dursley was dressed in his best suit, telling Harry to be invisible, when the doorbell rang.  
  
"Oh, she's here!" Petunia cried happily. She ran over to the door. Dudley was wringing his hands nervously. Petunia opened the door and...  
  
There was Luna. She actually looked very pretty, but still quite unusual. She wore a long, flowing silver skirt which looked alot like the milky material of Harry's invisibilty cloak. She wore a white top with long, wide white sleeves, the bottle cap necklace, along with big star earrings that were changing colors. And of course, the wand stuck behind her ear.  
  
"Um...hello..." Petunia said weakly.   
  
"Luna!" Dudley threw his arms around her, and Luna smiled. Dudley grinned.   
  
"Mum...Dad...this is Luna Lovegood. My girlfriend."  
  
"Nice to meet you all, very nice..." Luna said, "Ah. Harry. Hello again."  
  
Vernon jerked his head around. "AGAIN?"  
  
"Um, Dad...Luna met him the other day...um..."  
  
"What's THAT?!" Petunia cried, pointing to the wand behind Luna's ear.  
  
Luna took it out, and spun it around with her fingers. "Oh, its my wand. I like to keep it behind my ear. Can't lose it that way."  
  
"WAND?!"  
  
Dudley cleared his throat. "Thats kind of what I...um...wanted to tell you. Luna here...she's a...she goes to Harry's school..."  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
Vernon and Petunia began howling at once. How dare he bring someone like that into their home? Did she have him under some type of spell? You can do MUCH better than HER, Dudley...  
  
Harry was now howling with laughter. He did not have much sympathy for Dudley; he had, after all, tortured him most of his life...  
  
Vernon grabbed Harry. "Think this is funny, boy?"  
  
Harry tried to stop laughing, but couldn't. Oh well, why not be honest? He nodded. After all, this was the funniest thing he'd seen since Malfoy had been turned into a ferret...  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
How was that? Oh, I adore Luna Lovegood. Seriously. She's great.  
  
NEXT CHAPTER:  
  
A very uncomfortable dinner, and DUDLEY GETS KICKED OUT?! Where does he go? 


End file.
